Physical intimacy in marriage is often a hot topic (no pun intended). Men and women are vastly different when it comes to personalities, needs, wants, and pretty much everything else in life.
You remember that book, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus? Why wouldn’t those differences apply when it comes to sex. Understanding your spouse’s specific needs and wants when in the bedroom is a NECESSITY for a healthy marriage and happy sex life.
6 Common Questions About Sex:
1.) What does the bible say about sex?
The bible has PLENTY to say about sex. The reason marriage and sex go hand in hand is because there is nothing in this world more intimate than joining flesh with another person.
Sex creates a physical bond, so when you do this outside of marriage with multiple partners, you’re hardening yourself to the possibility of that physical bonding.
Sex becomes the hunt for pleasure instead of the desire to love and please your spouse through the physical act.
“Don’t you realize that your bodies are actually parts of Christ? Should a man take his body, which is part of Christ, and join it to a prostitute? Never! And don’t you realize that if a man joins himself to a prostitute, he becomes one body with her? For the Scriptures say, “The two are united into one.” But the person who is joined to the Lord is one spirit with him.” 1 Corinthians 6:15-17
God loves the idea of sex in marriage. It’s by His design. He wants your sex life to be pleasurable and fun and creative and joyful. But he also wants it to be monogamous.
Sex is shared between two people both physically…and listen to this one…MENTALLY.
When you fantasize, who do you think about? When our thoughts are x-rated, we’re cheating our partner out of the full experience of being totally “in tune” with them.
2.) How often should we be having sex?
From the data I’ve collected, the national average for married couples is sex around seven times per month. That’s a little less than twice per week.
Listen, I get it. I’m a mom. I’m a wife. I’ve got a full-time career. I understand falling into bed and not waking until the alarm goes off in the morning. But here’s the thing. Sex is vital to a healthy marriage.
Sit down with your spouse and communicate about how often sex would be acceptable, and then schedule times to make it happen if your times for intimacy are few and far between.
I don’t know about you guys, but the thought of having sex only seven times per month is kind of depressing. Physical intimacy has to be a topic of communication between all couples.
The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another.1 Corinthians 7: 3-5
This is a touchy subject for a lot of women. I’m going to step all over a lot of women’s lib toes. It basically boils down to this: Ladies, please your husbands. Just as he should please you. The bible states clearly not to deprive each other.
And let’s be honest, women normally drive this boat. We’re the ones who say we’re too tired, too busy, or too whatever to stop what we’re doing and give our spouse what he needs. It’s selfish.
God says we become one flesh. Stop thinking about yourself and what you don’t want and start thinking about what your spouse needs. (This is the tough love portion of the blog).
There are times when getting my and Scott’s sex drive in line is challenging. He’s a night owl, and I am too (to a point). So we’ll work until four or so in the morning and then crash until the next day.
He’s always got plenty of energy when we go to bed, and he seems to get more energy the later it gets. I’m the exact opposite. My peak energy level is during the day.
Since we both work from home, I’m always happy to take a break for sex during the daytime when I’m at peak energy, or I’m also good first thing in the morning. Scott seems to prefer sex at night when he’s at peak energy.
Those are definitely discussion points all married couples need to have to make sure both are not “deprived.”
Therapists tend to suggest a minimum of one to two times per week for sex. But if one of you shows a higher sex drive than the other, they also advise to err on the side of the one who has the higher sex drive.
Do not deprive each other. Compromise. Sex will strengthen your bond and bring you closer together.
I wouldn’t do well with just once or twice a week. I’d actually be fine with every day, but I think an attainable goal with as busy as we are is every other day or every two days. When we go longer between those times, I start to feel deprived, and boy can you tell it in my moods.
3.) Is there anything too taboo in the bedroom between a husband and wife?
The answer to this is both complicated and simple. God made the marriage relationship for two people to experience amazing sex. For them to explore, be creative, have fun, laugh, and enjoy.
God is all for your pleasure! Don’t feel like relegating yourself to the missionary position is somehow fulfilling biblical restrictions. It’s not.
So the easy answer to this is that as long as each of you are comfortable with what’s happening in the bedroom, then you should enjoy. The only thing God commands is that you stay monogamous, both physically and mentally, to each other.
There are often questions over gray areas such as masturbation, sex toys, and oral sex. We know that masturbation keeps us from giving our whole selves to our partners, especially if we’ve satisfied our own needs, but they’re still waiting for satisfaction.
But the bible doesn’t say anything about masturbating during the sex act with your spouse. As long as you’re pleasing each other and both find the act enjoyable.
Paul gave some guidelines to the Corinthian church:
Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible—but not everything is constructive. Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others. 1 Corinthians 10:23-24
So instead of giving specifics, he’s telling you to ask yourself some questions. Is what you’re doing beneficial and pleasing to your spouse? Is it loving? Is it helping your marriage?
This means the answer is going to vary, depending on the couple. Again, this requires communication about sex. And weirdly enough, being physically intimate with someone is often much easier than talking about that physical intimacy.
Broach the subject. There’s no one else who will listen and have your best interests at heart like your spouse.
4.) I don’t feel like we really connect during sex. What are we doing wrong?
Secrets-Sex should be intimate, meaning it’s not just a physical joining but a mental joining as well. The biggest reason that you might not be connecting is that one of you is holding back from the other.
Secrets play a huge part it how intimate a relationship is. If you’re keeping secrets from your spouse, you’re putting distance between you. To truly connect, you both need to communicate with each other, break down walls, and open your hearts.
You can’t have total intimacy without total trust. Don’t hold back from your spouse.
Inadequcy-Another reason for not feeling connected could be feelings of inadequacy. Do you have insecurities about your looks, your weight, your body, your stamina, or performance?
Praise each other in the bedroom, and don’t worry about what you “think” you look like or how you “think” you perform. Your spouse sees you much differently than you see yourself.
Resentment-Do you have resentments toward your spouse? Fights left unresolved? Transgressions that you haven’t forgiven them for?
Trying to bring these issues into the bedroom will definitely put a damper on your ability to be intimate and connect. It’s hard to open yourself to a person when you’re still hiding pockets of anger and resentment.
Exhaustion-We’ve all experienced it. Many of you experience it every day, especially if you’ve got kids.
Scott and I know exactly what this feels like. We both work about a hundred hours a week, and we have six children, five of which are busy with soccer, ballet, drumline, and other school activities.
There are times my eyes want to close the second my head hits the pillow. But I try to stay awake long enough to do two things (because remember my peak time is not at three o’clock in the morning).
1. I stay awake for a bit because Scott is not a snuggler by nature, EXCEPT each night before we fall asleep. It’s really my favorite time of the day.
I get to see a side of him that no one else gets to see. I love those unguarded moments where he holds me close and just talks about whatever is on his heart.
2. I also stay awake to make sure his needs are met. I don’t want to sound like I’m making some huge sacrifice. Believe me, I’m not. I love having sex with my husband. And I don’t want to miss those opportunities to please him.
Pleasing him and giving to him brings me joy. Scott’s love language is acts of service. I want to serve him however I can. And I know the feeling is mutual.
Rejection-Do one of you always initiate sex and the other always reject sex? This is kind of a biggie.
Can you imagine what it feels like to be repeatedly rejected by your spouse? The one person who’s supposed to love you unconditionally and always have your best interests at heart?
This is really one of those times to put yourself in your spouse’s shoes. How would you feel if you worked up the courage to seduce your spouse or flat out ask for sex only to have him/her turn you away?
And then even though you’ve been rejected, you work up the courage to do it again? And again? Though it’s harder and harder to come by that courage, and your spirit becomes more and more crushed.
If you make it a habit to constantly reject your spouse, you’re killing what trust you’ve built between you.
The bible says not to deny each other, and you are the ONLY person who can fulfill those sexual needs.
You’re doing more harm than you think you might be by telling them, “I’m too tired,” or, “I have a headache,” or, “I’m busy.” It’s emotionally, physically, and spiritually damaging to constantly reject your spouse.
5.) How do we overcome past sexual experiences or regrets?
We all bring baggage, on some level, into our marriages. And in case you haven’t noticed, we’re seeing a pretty consistent theme throughout this blog post. TRUST. There has to be trust to achieve true sexual intimacy.
Whether you’re a survivor of abuse, or whether you’ve come from past relationships that have left you wounded. Healing is the first step. God forgives. He promises us this.
And once you’re healed you can work on communicating with your spouse your fears, worries, and needs so you begin to establish those bonds of trust.
What about if your spouse has had multiple sexual partners and you’re wondering if you’ll ever be enough? Or how you compare? Or if you’re too inexperienced? Or if you’re a disappointment? Or if he/she is remembering someone else? Those are doubts satan plants in our minds to shake those foundations of trust.
It’s why communication is so important. These are conversations that need to be had with your spouse. They’re your priority, and making them feel secure, loved, and that they can trust you is vital.
6.) Is pornography ever okay? Even if we watch it together?
There’s pretty heated debate on this. People either feel like it “spices things up” or it’s not hurting anyone. Or they feel like it’s a sin. I feel like the best way to address this is to go directly to the bible.
“To look at a woman lustfully is to commit adultery with her in your heart”Matthew 5:28
It’s important to understand the difference between fantasy and intimacy. Sex is not just an act for pleasure with no emotional attachment. Lust, fantasy, and porn addiction have taken a massive toll on society, especially men (even in our churches). Many struggle with the addiction. Seventy percent of men ages 18-24 visit various porn sites in a month.
Seventy percent! That’s a staggering statistic. Think how many wives are the victims of mental adultery. So for those who think porn doesn’t hurt anyone, I’d have to say those wives probably disagree.
The bible is pretty clear in the verse above. Watching porn, and looking at others lustfully, is committing adultery with them in your heart.
“Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth. She is a loving deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be captivated by her love.”Proverbs 5:18-19
The bible has more to say about sex than you probably imagined. Trust and communication are key. Sex is not a dirty word. Talk openly about things you liked or disliked. And about things you want. Sex is God’s desire for you and your spouse!
We pray you gained from reading 6 Questions About SEX. If so, please Like & Comment below.
God Bless You,
Leah